All posts by : kishore

If you have very high standards for yourself and others, and find that these standards are rarely met, you could be ‘suffering’ from perfectionism.

Perfectionists cannot tolerate mistakes and typically want whatever they do to be flawless. They have a highly active inner critic who is constantly berating them for making mistakes, even the smallest one.

They are also intolerant of other’s mistakes and may end up constantly nagging and criticising the people they live and work with.

While it’s good to have high standards, if these standards are unrealistic and never attained, you will be in a constant state of stress and negativity. This is certainly not good for your mental and physical health, nor is this good for your relationships which will suffer because of the constant criticism.

Why are perfectionists so hard on themselves and others?

Perfectionists behave the way they do for a variety of reasons such as:

• They have a fear of failure.
• They have a fear of rejection.
• They want to avoid being criticised and judged by others.
• They feel out of control in their lives and use perfectionism to feel in control.
• They lack confidence in themselves and have a high level of self-doubt.

At the heart of perfectionism is the deep-rooted desire, probably stemming from childhood, to be loved and accepted for who you are. Perfectionists fear that if they make mistakes or do something wrong, they will not be loved and accepted. They will be rejected.

Perfectionists are also unable to tolerate human errors and they see a mistake as a ‘crime’ or being ‘bad’ rather than an opportunity to grow and learn.

According to American author Brene Brown, “People who are walking around as perfectionists are ultimately afraid that the world is going to see them for who they really are and [that] they won’t measure up.”

Tips to Overcome Perfectionism

• Accept what is: Accept the reality of the situation you are in. And accept your own personal reality and the reality of those you are criticising. Once you accept what is, you will be able to lower your unrealistic standards and set realistic ones.
• Change your focus from the negative to the positive: Instead of focusing on what is not working in a situation, see what is working. For instance, if you have been critical about your performance on stage, turn your attention to what you did well. This will encourage you to learn from your mistakes and do better next time. You can use this same strategy for evaluating the behaviour of others.
• Adopt an attitude of forgiveness and compassion: When you forgive yourself and others for making a mistake, you allow yourself to look for solutions rather than staying stuck in negative feelings of guilt and failure.
• Stop taking life so seriously: Instead of taking life and yourself so seriously, laugh more and have some fun.
• Take constructive action: Instead of beating yourself up for making a mistake, take action to move forward and achieve your goal.
• Pursue excellence instead of perfection: Set high standards for yourself by all means but pursue excellence, not perfection. Perfection is negative and keeps you focused on what isn’t working, excellence is positive and focuses on moving forward.
• Drop the ‘shoulds’ from your life: Ask yourself what you want to do rather than what you should do.

Brene Brown suggests doing a reality check when your inner critic is bombarding you for being a failure. She says you should ask yourself the following questions:

1. Are my thoughts factual, or are they my interpretations?
2. Am I jumping to negative conclusions?
3. Is this situation as bad as I’m making it out to be?
4. What’s the worst thing that could happen?
5. Will this matter in five years?

The key to overcoming perfectionism, like with everything else, is to start with small steps and take these steps every day until you break your perfectionist habit and develop a more relaxed and tolerant way of thinking.

This question is a no-brainer you might say but there are countless people out there who are so caught up in the pressures of their daily life that they seem to have forgotten how to have fun.

Fun is an important component of adult life, just like it is for children and adolescents.

So make time for some fun in your life; read a book that makes you laugh out loud, go out for a meal with people who lift your spirits, watch comedies or a stand-up comic act, go dancing, walk along the beach or go shopping if that is your idea of fun. Do whatever it takes to get you into a light-hearted, carefree frame of mind.

Before you can have fun, however, you first need to be aware of what you consider to be fun. For many busy people, this basic self-awareness itself could prove to be a challenge because they may never have stopped to ask themselves what fun means to them. For other serious-minded folk, the belief may be that fun is something they had in childhood and it’s certainly not appropriate or necessary for them as adults.

My suggestion to these people is lighten up before it is too late. Life is not only about stress and pressures and responsibilities and getting ahead and climbing the corporate ladder. It’s also about fun and enjoyment and nurturing your inner child.

So, tune in to your inner voice and find out what fun means to you. And then make sure you get to experience it as often as you can.

This is the title of a ‘New York Times’ bestselling book that was written back in the 1980s, but its lessons hold true even today.

“Nobody is free from problems. A problem-free life is an illusion—a mirage in the desert. It is a dangerously deceptive perception which can mislead, blind and distract. To pursue a problem-free life is to run after an elusive fantasy; it is a waste of mental and physical energies,” writes the American author Robert H. Schuller who is a televangelist, pastor and motivational speaker.

There is nothing new in this idea you might say, but Schuller’s book makes inspirational reading and provides a useful action plan for coping with troubled times. He says:

• Every problem has a limited life span and no problem is permanent. Your problem will eventually be resolved just like storms give way to the sun and winter always thaws into springtime.
• You may not have chosen your problem, but you can choose how to react to it, in a positive or a negative way. You can choose to become stronger and learn from it, or better still turn the problem into an opportunity; alternatively, you can choose to be a victim, and wallow in self-pity.
• Take action to solve your problem, look for solutions and be patient and persist till you find one. Hang in there till the clouds pass.

Additionally, I would like to suggest that to cope with problems or the ‘downs’ in your life it is essential to build up your ‘armour ‘, your ‘coping toolkit’. And this can best be done when things are going well and you are enjoying the ‘ups’ in your life. To build up your armour and toughen up, be nice to yourself, give yourself small treats and rewards, do your best to enjoy the good times, savour every moment and do not spoil your mood by dwelling on the past or imagining what could go wrong in the future. In other words do not worry, get anxious, be pessimistic and indulge in worst-case-scenario thinking.

If you worry and get anxious when times are good, then when bad times hit you, you will probably not have the emotional strength to cope, and you will quickly collapse like a house of cards. Tough times do need tough people so build up your armour, make deposits in your emotional bank, just like you would build your muscles and train for a marathon.

Have you ever been an innocent victim of another person’s ill temper? Maybe you were out shopping and the cashier at the supermarket snapped at you for no reason, or your colleague may have flared up during a routine meeting at the office, or even worse, you may be out driving and another driver comes close to hitting your car, and gestures angrily at you, all because you were slow to move when the traffic light turned green.

These are all examples of other people dumping their ‘garbage’ on you.

If you are like most people, your first reaction in any of these situations would be to feel upset and take the other person’s rude behaviour personally. Or you may react by getting angry yourself and retaliating aggressively, giving back what you got.

Either way, you spoil your mood and destroy your peace of mind, possibly for the whole day.

What would be the best way to deal with someone else’s ‘garbage’? I would suggest that you don’t take it personally, shrug it off as the other person’s problem which has absolutely nothing to do with you, and then re-focus on what is important to you.

This important life skill is brilliantly expressed by syndicated columnist and business consultant David J. Pollay in his book ‘The Law of the Garbage Truck’. Pollay says: “Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger and full of disappointment… as their garbage piles up, they look for a place to dump it. And if you let them, they’ll dump it on you. So when someone wants to dump on you, don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well and move on. Believe me, you’ll be happier.”

Remember to follow Pollay’s example next time someone tries to dump their garbage on you. And of course, when you are in a bad mood, find an effective way to de-stress so that you don’t dump your own garbage on others.