All posts by : kishore

The way we think determines our actions and ultimately the life we create for ourselves. Unfortunately for us, a lot of our thinking is based on beliefs and ideas that we may have developed at an earlier stage of our lives; and while we are now older, our thinking may be completely out of tune with our current reality, and still stuck in the past.

With technology rapidly transforming the world we live in, it has become imperative for us to constantly review the beliefs we hold and update them regularly. This is certainly easier said than done since more often than not we aren’t even aware of what we are thinking so how can we possibly change it?

We may be holding on to old limiting beliefs such as, “I am not good with mental maths” or “I will never be successful” or “I can’t speak on stage” or “I am not tech savvy and will never be able to read e-books” which may be caused by some negative incident in your childhood, and may not be true in the present. But even though the reality may be quite different, you may still be convinced that this belief is true, and never test its validity or try out anything new. It may therefore be holding you back from achieving your true potential.

Fixed beliefs from the past are often expressed through the “shoulds”, “musts” and “shouldn’ts” that we use in our daily lives.

To live a fulfilling life, it is crucial to be aware of your current reality and to keep checking in with yourself to ensure that your thinking is valid in the present and not based in the past.

As Dr Phil McGraw, host of the American talk show ‘Dr Phil’ says in his bestselling book “Self Matters: Creating Your Life From The Inside Out”: “It’s time to start moving in a new direction that is grounded in the vibrant here and now, instead of continuing in the old direction that is grounded in a tired, outdated and irrelevant history.”

Many of us look to see what the people around us are doing before we set down our personal goals, plan for the future or just live from day to day. This attitude might be appropriate for children, but as adults do we need to constantly look to others to show us the way?

We are unique individuals and we need to celebrate our individuality, rather than lose ourselves in the herd that is the society we belong to. Og Mandino expresses this idea brilliantly in his book “The Greatest Miracle in the World” when he writes:

“Proclaim your rarity…never in all the 70 billion humans who have walked this planet since the beginning of time has there been anyone exactly like you…never, until the end of time will there be another such as you…You! One of a kind. Rarest of the rare…Why have you valued yourself in pennies when you are worth a king’s ransom…Never do as another. Never imitate…be yourself.”

To be yourself, you need to first be aware of who you are and accept your talents as well as your limitations; follow your heart and listen to your inner voice; and most important of all, have the confidence to follow through. It’s certainly not easy to be different or take a diverse path from your peers, if that is what your heart is telling you to do; but if you do take that path, you just may find the peace, happiness, success and fulfilment that you are seeking.

So don’t let the herd mentality that prevails in our society hold you back from being yourself, from doing what you love, and from chasing after your dreams. Celebrate who you are in your entirety — and accept your good as well as your not-so-good qualities.

A significant part of the emotional baggage that we all carry around with us is related to guilt. Guilt due to an error of judgement, guilt from saying or doing the wrong thing, guilt because of putting ourselves first, guilt from having more than others, guilt from hurting someone’s feelings, the list goes on and on.

The dictionary defines guilt as a “feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.” For most of us who are holding on to feelings of guilt, isn’t the burden we are carrying around with us less about committing an offense or a crime and more just about human errors of judgement, making mistakes, and being limited by our knowledge, our way of thinking, our personal characteristics and our experience?

Is it fair to blame ourselves for doing badly in an interview when despite our best efforts, we didn’t have the personality to impress? Or despite being smart and capable, we couldn’t get along with the boss and therefore lost the job? Or, though we were well meaning, we gave advice to a loved one that may have led them to an undesired outcome. Unfortunately, we tend to believe that we should always know it all and always do right; we hold ourselves to such high standards that if we don’t meet them, we are consumed with guilt, unable to forgive ourselves, and determined to punish ourselves.

Guilt can become so extreme, that we may even feel guilty about being happy and enjoying ourselves, feeling that we don’t deserve it.

To be guilt-free and therefore at peace, we need to be compassionate and forgive ourselves for our lapses. We need to tell ourselves, as prominent American poet and author Maya Angelou reminds us, “If I’d known better I’d have done better”.

Below is an inspirational message from the Daily Om website (www.dailyom.com) which I wanted to share. It reminds us that we would be so much happier and more peaceful if we just gave up the pursuit of perfection because ultimately we are here to learn, and if we were perfect, we would know it all so what learning would there be. The last line says it all: “Imperfection is inherent to being human; by embracing your imperfections, you embrace yourself”.

“Life becomes much more interesting once we let go of our quest for perfection and aspire for imperfection instead.”

It is good to remember that one of our goals in life is to not be perfect. We often lose track of this aspiration. When we make mistakes, we think that we are failing or not measuring up. But if life is about experimenting, experiencing, and learning, then to be imperfect is a prerequisite. Life becomes much more interesting once we let go of our quest for perfection and aspire for imperfection instead.

This doesn’t mean that we don’t strive to be our best. We simply accept that there is no such thing as perfection—especially in life. All living things are in a ceaseless state of movement. Even as you read this, your hair is growing, your cells are dying and being reborn, and your blood is moving through your veins. Your life changes more than it stays the same. Perfection may happen in a moment, but it will not last because it is an impermanent state. Trying to hold on to perfection or forcing it to happen causes frustration and unhappiness.

In spite of this, many of us are in the habit of trying to be perfect. One way to nudge ourselves out of this tendency is to look at our lives and notice that no one is judging us to see whether or not we are perfect. Sometimes, perfectionism is a holdover from our childhood—an ideal we inherited from a demanding parent. We are adults now, and we can choose to let go of the need to perform for someone else’s approval. Similarly, we can choose to experience the universe as a loving place where we are free to be imperfect. Once we realize this, we can begin to take ourselves less seriously and have more fun. Imperfection is inherent to being human. By embracing your imperfections, you embrace yourself.

When it comes to interpersonal relationships, whether they involve a friend, a partner or a family member, we may find ourselves having expectations which are not met. Or conversely, we may not be able to live up to the expectations of others. These unmet expectations may cause us minor disappointment which can be easily shrugged off, or they could go deeper and cause emotional wounds which could cause irrevocable damage to the relationship.

Expectations are an inevitable part of human relationships, based as they are on each person’s unique way of thinking, his/her belief and value systems, and socialisation. What one person may think is appropriate behaviour in a particular situation, may not be considered appropriate by another person. Also, what one person thinks should be done in a particular situation, may not even occur to another person even though they may have the best intentions. Unless two people have the exact same way of thinking, or a deep understanding of each other, they will find themselves dealing with unmet expectations sooner or later.

Since we have no real control over another person, our best course of action would be to make a conscious effort to scale down our expectations of others. This way, we will avoid hurt and disappointment, and enhance the joy element in our lives.

Instead, we could focus on what we can control, which is ourselves, and try to meet our own expectations of ourselves. If we aim to live our best lives, constantly learning and growing, doing better than what we did yesterday, a week ago, or a year ago, won’t we be happier and more fulfilled? And if we are happier, peaceful and more fulfilled, some of our positive energy may rub off on the people in our lives, and there will be greater joy all around. Certainly, a win-win situation for all concerned.

Why do we constantly compare ourselves with the people around us? It’s such a diminishing habit because it usually leaves us feeling bad about ourselves, ‘less than’ the person we are comparing with and more insecure than ever. And frankly is it even necessary to compare? Is life a race where it is a requirement to compare running speeds and best timings? Are we in a perpetual competition or contest, every day of our lives, where we feel we have to outdo everyone else around us?

Besides, what do we get out of beating others? A false sense of superiority that is short-lived at best.

What would life be like if we decided not to compare with anyone but ourselves instead? If we just focused on outperforming ourselves, improving on our previous best, scoring higher in the next test or exam, or running a faster race?

I do believe that life would be so much happier if we only had to contend with ourselves and not numerous other people whose efforts and talents we have no control over.

We can begin at this very moment to run our own race instead of a universal race where we are running against other people; to work at our best and to pursue excellence at every step instead of looking to others to set standards that we need to measure up to. To do this we first need to be aware of our strengths and limitations and to accept them wholeheartedly, without feeling small or ‘less than’ in any way. Then we need to set realistic goals, based on what we are good at, and we need to pursue these goals single-mindedly, with focus, passion and discipline.

If we strive to be the best version of ourselves, we will live up to our true potential and have a joyous life too.

Many of us struggle with anger issues, finding it difficult to be patient and tolerant in the face of extreme provocation, whether it is from a disobedient child, an uncooperative colleague or a rude salesman. If you have a short fuse, you probably find yourself losing your temper frequently, raising your voice and getting aggressive, which only serves to worsen the situation and enhances the stress and negativity in your life.

Anger can also prevent you from thinking creatively, finding solutions and taking effective action. Ultimately, whenever you get angry, the person you harm the most is yourself.

So how can one manage one’s anger and thus become more peaceful? The best place to start is self-awareness – begin to notice when you get angry and why you do so. It could be because of an underlying perfectionist tendency in you, or a desire to have everything your way because of a strong sense that only you know what is right and what is wrong, or unrealistic expectations, or a fixed belief about what others should and shouldn’t do. When you adopt a more tolerant and realistic attitude towards others and stop taking life and yourself so seriously, you may find that you get provoked to anger less often. Often, an angry reaction is just a bad habit, and despite self awareness and an understanding of where it is coming from, it will require time and patience to develop a new way of expressing yourself to replace it.

The important thing is not to repress anger but to accept and acknowledge it with compassion, and then release it gently. Resisting it will only make it persist, and being hard on yourself or labelling yourself harshly for getting angry will only make it strengthen as your go-to emotion. Understanding the pattern in your anger and whether it’s coming from a deeper place or from a past experience which was not fully expressed, will help you release it. Ultimately, like other emotions, it needs to be fully acknowledged and embraced as part of the whole human being that you are, rather than repressed, resisted or condemned.

We know our thoughts control our actions and our behaviour, and therefore they control and create our lives. But how many of us are really in control of our thoughts, adept at keeping at bay the runaway train that is our mind, which before we know it, has sped off into an anxiety attack or is deeply immersed in fear and worry, and worst-case scenario thinking?

It is so easy for us to twist the reality around and become victims of what psychologists call distorted thinking, where we may imagine things which are not there, and get worked up and anxious about situations which are just not real.

What exactly is distorted thinking? Psychologists have identified several different kinds of distorted thinking which include the following:

• All or none thinking – You look at things in absolute terms; you are either perfect or no good, there is nothing in the middle. Perfectionist thinking falls in this category.
• Overgeneralisation – You see a negative event in terms of a recurring pattern, so if you have lost one tennis match, you will always lose in tennis.
• Mental filter – You focus on the negative and don’t see the positive in any given situation.
• Discounting the positive – You believe that the positive doesn’t count.
• Jumping to conclusions – You simply presume that things are bad without any valid reason or factual proof.
• Mind-reading – You presume that other people are thinking negative thoughts about you.
• Fortune-telling – You see a negative outcome in the future.
• Magnification or minimisation – You either exaggerate the importance of something out of proportion to what it is or reduce its importance. A common distortion with people who are prone to “What if” thinking.
• Emotional reasoning – You believe that if you feel it, it must be true, therefore “I feel stupid so I must be stupid”.
• Should statements – You live your life by a list of shoulds and shouldn’ts. If you don’t do what you think you should, you feel guilty and if others don’t do what you think they should do, you feel angry and frustrated.
• Labelling – You give yourself a global label such as “failure” or “loser” or simply “a bad person” instead of saying “I failed at that task”.
• Blame – Either you blame yourself and take personal responsibility for someone else’s problem, or you blame someone else for your own predicament.

It is only when we first realise and acknowledge that our thinking is distorted, and then make a conscious effort to base our thoughts on facts and reality, that we can transform our lives for the better.

Though we live in an abundant world, many of us are deeply immersed in a scarcity mentality, believing the pie is small and therefore there is not enough to go around. This belief affects every aspect of our lives, whether it is with regard to wealth, opportunities, status, talents, gifts, or success and achievements of any kind. People with a scarcity mentality believe there can be only one winner, only one person in the number one spot, to be good you have to be the best, and if someone else wins, they lose.

These people, with a low sense of self worth, are constantly comparing themselves with others and their self worth comes from doing better than others, from beating others who they look upon as their rivals, their opponents. They also find it difficult to share success with others, and are unable to be happy for anyone else’s achievements.

People with an abundance mentality, on the other hand, have a strong sense of self worth and security, and they believe there is plenty out there for everyone. They believe that there can be multiple winners, multiple people in the spotlight, that many people can share in the prestige, profits and the abundance that the world has to offer; and no one has to lose for them to win.

Stephen R. Covey writes in his highly acclaimed book ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’: “People with a Scarcity Mentality have a very difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power or profit – even with those who help in the production. They also have a very hard time being genuinely happy for the successes of other people – even and sometimes especially members of their own family or close friends and associates. It’s almost as if something is being taken from them when someone else receives special recognition or windfall gain, or has remarkable success or achievement.”

Whether it is spiritual teachers or motivational speakers, we are constantly being urged to live in the present moment, to tear our minds away from the past and the future into being in the now, if we want to be happy and have peace of mind. So significant is present moment thinking that Eckhart Tolle, a spiritual teacher and best-selling author, has devoted an entire book, ‘The Power of Now’, to this subject. In his New York Times bestselling book, Tolle says “The more you are able to honour and accept the Now, the more you are free of pain, of suffering and of the egoic mind.” He explains that “What you think of as the past is a memory trace…the future is imagined…past and present have no reality of their own.”

If you notice your own thinking, you will realise that your mind is constantly fluctuating between what happened last week or last month or even a few years ago, or then it moves into thinking of what is to come, whether it is next week or next month or five years from now, with “what if” thoughts. And invariably what this sort of thinking does to us is to make us anxious, fearful and worried, because it reminds us of something unpleasant from the past, or then brings forth an imaginary scenario from the future which is more often than not negative and pessimistic.

The question we need to ask ourselves is how does this past and future thinking serve us? Does it make us feel happy and peaceful? Is it based on fact and reality? Is it necessary to think in this way? If you are honest with yourselves, you will answer “No” to all these questions. If it doesn’t benefit us in any way, then why exactly do we do it? The reality is that past or future thinking is completely unnecessary and full of pain and suffering and we can quite easily live without it. This sort of thinking is coming from our egoic mind and has just become a bad habit.

The happiest and most peaceful way to live is to focus on what is happening around you at this very moment. Give your full attention to what you are reading or writing, look deeply at the trees and the flowers when you are walking outside, and if you are watching television, give your full attention to the show that is on. This is what being in the present moment is all about, being fully absorbed in your task, giving your full attention to what is happening here and now, rather than letting your mind slip into the past which is over, or fast forward into the future which hasn’t happened yet, so any thoughts related to it would simply be your imagination at work.

Meditation is an excellent tool to train the mind to focus on the present. By focusing on your breath or a mantra, you can bring your mind back to centre where you will find peace. Eckhart Tolle suggests that you focus on your inner body to bring your attention back from fearful thoughts of the past and the future. He says: “Become aware of your breathing, feel the air flowing in and out of your body, feel your inner energy field….the key is to be in a state of permanent connectedness with your inner body, to feel it at all times. This will rapidly deepen and transform your life.”